(the guy who i wrote about in the previous blog. i fell for him pretty hard... all for nothing. this is for anyone who has been used/played/whatever you want to call the shitty feeling you get.)

 

you liked me before i liked you. and you hinted at the fact that you did like me quite frequently. i knew you got jealous when i told you i was going on dates. finally the day i met you at the park when you told me that you were thinking about committing suicide, i knew i couldn't convince myself otherwise any longer. i did like you. as i left your car at the park, we hugged and you whispered "i'm so happy you're here" in my ear. so i texted you after we left the park saying i was scared of the feelings i had for you... you had dated one of my best friends for two years and you and her had only been broken up for around 4 months. but i didn't care. i felt that you were genuine. you talked about how bad you wanted to change the world and how you wanted everyone to love everyone. you were like a modern day bob marley. i was drawn to you. so from that day forward we texted almost constantly. you would tell me how awesome i was and how i was "naturally the cool girl all these confused moron girls are trying to be." that was the greatest compliment i'd ever received. one night i called you after you had left the hospital for suicide treatment. your anti-depressants were causing your vision to be off. i was scared and i cried on the phone with you. how many girls do you know that would do that, sincerely? i was terrified. i didn't want you to die. i was getting excited already about the fact that you were going to Italy with the same group that i'm going to Italy with. i felt a connection with you. i felt like i could tell you anything and that the same went for you. a few days later we hung out at a mutual friends house and went and played basketball. we flirted, you were high. we kind of cuddled a little. you sang "slow dancing in a burning room" by john mayer to me. towards the end of that day, you seemed a distant... and i stupidly texted you telling you that you confused me and you didn't know why. you said you liked me. i let it go. we hung out at the park another night and sat in my car and threw a tennis ball at each other. simple things like that just made me happy... simply because you were there. we went outside for a little but it was freezing, so we cuddled for warmth a little while. i left and we texted and things were okay but i could sense something was different. but we kept hanging out. one night we went to walmart and sat in your car at the park again to watch the moon. i changed the header on your phone to hello.-lesueur (i wonder if you changed it now...) we drew things in the condensation on your sunroof. after that night you texted me and said "you want to kiss me, courtney =]" and i said "ha, i dunno i didn't know which way you were going when we went to hug." and you said "it's okay, it's coming. i promise =]" 

but then it gets to a point where you're annoyed by the fact that i want to see you all the time. you tell me this and i'm hurt. you tell me that "i want to hang out all the time and you aren't ready to date..." but before we started talking, you were all for dating my friend rachel. i felt horrible about myself after that and i let you know that i'm usually the one wanting to take things slow.. but this time.. i wanted things to happen and i was just confused. you didn't text me back until one hour later... telling me you were coming to hang out. i keep my distance from you and i don't sit beside you. you look at me and tell me that i can sit beside you, so i do. you then text me and ask me if i wanna go do something else and i agree. we go to mcdonalds and i'm racing you to the door. i bust my ass and it gives you an excuse to cuddle up and hug me and rub my chin. i was happy. you leave that night after hugging me... i'll never forget that damn hug. you'd swing your arm out like you were going to give me a noogie. you were over a foot taller than me. i tried texting you but you weren't very responsive so i gave up. the next day i was having a scavenger hunt and you came. you were on my team. at one point you were afraid i was going to fall again when we were running so you took me by the arm. that night we went to a mutual friends house and we flirted. and cuddled on the couch while we watched a movie. i watched you smoke pot, but i didn't smoke. i ended up leaving really late that night. things seemed great. but i was confused because you weren't the same when we weren't together in person. we got into various arguments... you asked me if i liked our mutual friend the next day. i didn't at all but you didn't really believe me. i didn't know what else to say so you would believe me. after school one day we were texting and you told me two of my friends were at our mutual friends' house and you asked why i wasn't there and i said i didn't know you wanted me to be. then i said we were going to eat at the italian restaurant. you came. we went and watched juno at the mutual friends house. we ended up being there all alone. we had tickle fights and we cuddled hard core. i almost fell asleep on your chest listening to your heartbeat while you rubbed my back... something you told me was bound to happen. i was ECSTATIC. things felt like they might actually work now. but the next day i found out what would really beat me to a pulp. i wasn't the only girl you were talking to. two other girls at my school. supposedly you didn't like either of them, you only liked me... but i couldn't tell. i didn't know. i was so unsure. my self esteem was already crippingly low. i didn't say anything to you about those two girls yet.. i just asked if you liked anyone else and you said no. you got onto me for talking to your friends more than i talk to you. but i try to talk to you.. you just don't ever act like you want to talk to me. plus you told me you needed space. i was so confused.

today i asked you about those two girls you were texting. that really pissed you off. you told me not to talk to you right now. i asked why you couldn't just explain what was going on. you said you didn't have to explain anything to someone you weren't dating. you also told me that we shouldn't talk anymore and that i needed to grow up and i was a drama queen. you said you were single and you were "making friends." I told you that i didn't do anything but care about you and now you're turning it around to make me look like a bitch. i told you that you hurt me. all you said in response was "stop it. i'm not changing." you tried to say something to me on facebook chat, but i was in the shower. that's the last i've heard from you.

our mutual friend just told me that when he mentioned he was heading up to tuscaloosa this weekend you said that you wanted to go and get laid. he also said you said you wanted to nail every girl possible.

you've changed. i don't know what triggered it, but it's devastating to me. i'm breaking out from all the stress you've caused me. and as for you "cutting back" on your pot use? hasn't happened at all. you were high all day yesterday and after the basketball game tonight, i was told you were getting high. you've lost your self respect and i've lost respect for you as well. you USED ME. i cared about you when you were at your lowest point.. and now that you're back on top i mean NOTHING. i miss how you used to be... the caring concerned worldly guy who was like bob marley... the romantic guitar playing singing amazing person i knew. what happened and why do i cry over the ones who don't care the way i do?

 

 

i don't understand why he won't talk to me. we used to talk everyday. he lives very far away. it's like he's trying to convince himself that i don't exist anymore. is it wrong that i had such strong feelings for him even though we never actually MET? i mean, we wrote each other letters... i'm friends with his sister... and now he's denying my existance? i don't get it at all. is it bad that i was jealous of this girl who actually gets to see him everyday? is that wrong? why can't he just understand that? he didn't even give me time to explain. he just stopped speaking to me. i'm so confused. i miss the days when we could just talk for hours... i used to know that he was thinking of me. we used to text and talk all the time.

and now everything is gone... and i don't know if he'll ever talk to me again.

i'm started to lose hope.

my heart hurts.

typical family holiday.
went to my aunt sudie's house to eat and converse. my cousin chris brought his employee trey which, in my opinion, was extremely random. my cousin lauren, chris's daughter who is 22, told us about why she was missing a fingernail (she tried to break up a fight at a party and some girl went to bite her exboyfriend and ended up biting her hand and taking her fingernail with it. college kids...). My grandmother criticized lauren's behavior rather harshly. i tripped over a rocking chair about 27 times.

that's all.
happy thanksgiving.